While scrolling through Instagram last night, I saw the post pictured above from @stephenspeaks
“Being alone may scare you, but staying in an unhealthy relationship will damage you.”
Simple words that may not mean much to a lot of people; but to someone who is currently experiencing the damage and may not have the courage to leave, these words speak volumes.
I don’t want to drag this post out by going into too many details about my last relationship. Let’s just say that it was the most unhealthy relationship I had ever been in and the hardest one for me to exit from. Although I don’t believe in the fairy tale behind marrying for love, I was looking forward to not being alone anymore. Despite the constant arguing and criticism, I had someone to call my own. Even with all the verbal abuse I endured, I didn’t want to leave because my daughter (from a previous failed relationship) finally had a father. This was my mentality for almost 3 years. No matter how bad he made me feel, I didn’t want to be that mother who allowed her child to become attached to a guy who wouldn’t remain in her life.
Through an abortion and a miscarriage, even though I wasn’t allowed to mourn losing those two lives. I had to act as if they never happened. Through a third pregnancy, that resulted in a beautiful baby girl, I endured even more mental and emotional abuse. But I couldn’t leave because who else would want me with two children from two previous relationships. I gave up believing that I deserved better than what I was going through. I had no one in my corner who could help me see the light at the end of the tunnel. My family had given up on me and my best friend was over 1100 miles away. I had accepted that this was karma for the many mistakes I made in my life. I was stuck…
Fast forward through numerous breakups and makeups, arguments and I’m sorry’s, I hate you’s and I love you’s to the end of November 2017. We got into an argument over my lack of emotion in an argument earlier that day (yes, we would argue several times a day). I explained that because we argued so much, I no longer felt the need to get emotional about it. Why cry about anything when you’re only going to apologize for what you said or did and we would be “good” again? He took my nonchalant answer for disrespect and we ended up in a physical fight. My girls and I moved out that day and I thought I was finally free of him. Unfortunately, it took my a few more months after that to finally find the strength to stand up for myself. I stopped allowing him to control the narrative of my life and only then was I finally free.
Now I’m rebuilding my confidence and starting to understand my worth. I’m working on being that role model my girls deserve. Even with all the positive vibes, some days I wonder if I made the best decision for them. But seeing this Instagram post confirmed it for me. I’d rather be alone and working on bettering myself than to continue being damaged in an unhealthy relationship.
Thank you for allowing me to get this off my chest. I only hope to help others who may be feeling stuck in a damaging relationship. YOU DESERVE BETTER! YOU ARE WORTH IT! YOU CAN LEAVE!
PLEASE SHARE THIS POST WITH ANYONE WHO MAY NEED IT. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ISN’T ALWAYS PHYSICAL.
Domestic Violence Hotline: 1 800 799 7233