Relationships…what can I say? When they’re good, they’re real good. They’ll have you floating on cloud 9, without a care in the world. But when they’re bad, you come crashing back to Earth with the speed of a bullet train; and your heart ends up needing crazy glue and paper clips to put it back together.
I’ve been in an exclusive relationship for almost 3 years now and I can honestly say that I’ve experienced the high and the crash too many times to count. The highs are absolutely amazing, magical almost. The highs make me believe in love again, and marriage, and happily ever after. Then the roller coaster drops…and I’m left feeling like an idiot; wondering how I could allow myself to be tricked into a false sense of security.
Please excuse my mini-rant. The purpose of this post isn’t to bash relationships, but to explain the mistakes I’ve made in my recent relationship so you can avoid making them as well.
Relationships are about two individuals, with differing viewpoints, beliefs, goals and dreams, coming together as one. Each person brings their differences to the table and compromises are made to allow the couple to build a life together. With compromise, there must also be communication, understanding, appreciation and consideration. All of these components together, consistently throughout the relationship, make for a happily ever after. Every relationship is different, so what works for one couple might not work for another; but with a basic foundation, every couple has the ability to withstand the tests of time.
My boyfriend and I did not begin our relationship with these basic principles in mind. I was looking for a protector, someone to help me get away from my emotionally abusive family. He was looking for someone to take the place of his current wife. Coming into a situation with the sole purpose of filling a void will only create problems down the line. What happens if that void can’t be filled? What happens if it is?
Instead of dealing with our emotions and baggage, we held onto it…waiting for the other to take it off of our shoulders. This caused an incessant need that we were able to fill for each other, momentarily. After the initial buzz began to wear off, I realized that I wanted more out of the relationship. I wanted someone who would love me, be there for me, someone to talk to, someone who would always look out for my best interest, someone who would eventually marry me and build a family with me. I didn’t realize that with my list of wants came a list of requirements from the person I would be building a life with. He, in turn, wanted someone he could vent to, someone who would follow his lead and respect him as a man, someone who would love him and consider his feelings, someone who would help him while he helped others.
It became apparent that we both needed a lot of repairs from our previous situations and neither of us were willing to go through ALL of the hurtful details and relive the pain to get to the roots of our damage. We simply just wanted everything to be right in our worlds and to move forward. Unfortunately, not dealing with past hurts doesn’t heal the wounds or make the scars disappear.
This is where I’ll end, for now. My next post will give you some tips on how to have a healthy relationship and how to identify and remove yourself from a toxic, unhealthy relationship.
Thanks for reading,